J's

Welcome,
To Wonderland

吗?

口…

Rushed back from school yesterday to finish up my report. How tiring it is stressing myself to finish it by today no matter the reasons. But I’m glad that I made it! Somehow I realize I can only keep my focus concentrated during the middle of the night when it’s all calm and quiet..

Kinda struggled for a couple hours when I came back home with all the noise surrounding me.. Took a short nap and woke up feeling more calm which I’m glad I did so! Else I would’ve panic and struggle even more thinking of what to emphasis on my topic!!!

Honestly, this sem has been a total bitch so far and sem end is coming really soon which means exams are coming too and it’s making me kinda anxious! I can honestly say 80% of the classes since sem started has totally zero to no relevance at all which makes me really troubled like a fucking dickhead! Ask or talk to the lecturer you said? The only answer you would get is Google.

Well, let’s hope the reports and papers give me a decent amount of marks since I foresee I wouldn’t achieve something more then a ‘P’ this sem.

Anyway, today marks another day I grow older. Though it’s just another normal day but how time flies and how much have I really learn and grow thru out the year.

Sigh, focus J! Just afew more months to go, my long awaited dreams to step into cyber forensic….

Happy birthday dickhead.

.

I do care and I still want to, But I really couldn’t do it without expressing myself.

I’m lost for words, lost myself. Time after time wanting to try and talk things out with you or to just talk to you. But nothing seems to happen or goes well. Somehow it’s like we couldn’t communicate at all…

You said it a couple times to let go, But do you really think it’s that easy to do it? When it’s someone who I truly want to be with? Yes, I know its irritating that I always ask and cling onto it when there’s so much going on and there’s so many uncertainties left. After what you said recently, I really do not know how or what do you truly mean?(other than school, have you truly given up?) Sometimes I really wished that you would open up yourself wholeheartedly and talk to me about your feelings. Sometimes you seem to care and sometimes you don’t.

I don’t deny about myself being a assumption freak which isn’t a good thing that leads up to all of these. It’s not easy too, for me to not think about the outcomes although there are some that I know that would cause arguments and unpleasant exchange

But all I really wish to know is what’s on your mind, do we really have to be so separated to truly learn how to really love each other or really learn the way to love? Can’t we learn it together thru the hardships and tough time to make us stronger and better? Can’t we really do it together? This I always ask myself.

Time,space and freedom. I’m getting use to and learning the true meaning of it as life catches up with me. Thou I may be playful and so easy going. But hey, we all ain’t perfect and we’ve our own ways of trying to make ourself better no matter how hard life and on going things hit us hard right? I may not seem to bother but I truly do, each time knowing that you’re upset and all. I just want to try and bring a smile to your face. It doesn’t bother me about how I react/act(ego) infront of you or while I’m with you as long as I’m able to make you happy or bring a smile to your face. It may not seem much or as much as it is but this is what I’m truly trying to do. Yes, some of what I do may not be as pleasant as it seems which I just thought that maybe by small little actions you would understand my motive. I’m not perfect and I will never be. We all have different ways of trying and doing things yes?

One thing I do know is, I should stop doing all of these. Causing all the misunderstandings and unwanted awkwardness. Time after time I’ve been trying, to let go. But I really couldn’t. I really want this. But how?

Can’t we really talk it out once more like we did in the past? Can’t we really learn and grow together rather then being so separated….?

I just wanna lay in bed thruout the entire Sunday. Feeling so drained out after yesterday papers. Topping it off w flu and sore throat, I just don’t wanna do anything today.

Sigh..